Depressing thoughts

Here’s a tip for all students who are graduating this spring: complete your student loan exit counseling when you’re in a great mood, armed with a positive attitude and a soothing cup of tea. It should be sunny out and birds should be chirping nearby. I do not recommend completing this process when you’re already down about your life. It will cause you to slide into an even deeper depression.

Because my work days have been so busy lately, all I want to do when I come home is be a couch potato. That means on the weekends, I have to cram in all of the personal work I should have done during the week. This includes student loan exit counseling required by DePaul before I graduate in a few weeks.

The counseling was definitely beneficial to my understanding of how I pay back the thousands of dollars I took out in student loans, but the process of looking at those numbers and the projected interest it will accrue was super depressing. What the hell did I get myself into??? I fully understood that I’d have a new large monthly bill when I completed my graduate degree, but looking at the numbers and realizing the ramifications of repayment is not a life experience I should have encountered on a dark, dingy day like today.

It really doesn’t help that I’m not super happy about my life right now. Trying to get pregnant has it’s own challenges (damn all those people who just accidentally get knocked up). I know that it takes time, but I’m so afraid of the whole situation that I just can’t imagine what I’ll do if I can’t conceive.

Since my husband and I started dating in high school, I’ve always had this brick over my head that I’d accidentally get pregnant and ruin my life. Now that we’re in our mid-20s, everyone is asking when we’ll start a family. It’s like the whole situation has turned itself on its head. It took me a while to get myself into gear and now I’m finally there.

I’ve been reading What to Expect Before You’re Expecting and it’s made me think the whole getting pregnant thing really is a miracle. Let me tell you: the odds are against you! The chances of getting an egg fertilized and then implanted in the right part of my body is slim. How the hell do all these people around me have babies? Why do I feel like my entire purpose of existence is a shot in hell? I’ll never be able to fully describe the pressure I feel to fulfill my purpose as a woman who must bear children.

I guess I have too many questions about my future right now and it’s making me depressed. How will I afford my student loans? How will I get pregnant? I find solace in knowing that I’m not alone in this boat. So many other people have the same questions about their lives. We’ve just got to take it day at at a time.

And try to avoid foggy, overcast weather. Maybe I should move to California?

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